While traveling in the car, my college son was sharing with me about his philosophy class. Recently, the professor asked some questions that sparked a spirited classroom conversation. A fellow student said to my son, “don’t you feel bad that you were born into all your wealth and privilege?” My son, who has never backed away from an argument in his life told me, “I answered with, no, I don’t feel bad. I won the cosmic lottery and I know it, but I didn’t ask to be born.” He shared a bit more of the conversation with me and I, as I always do, shared my thoughts with him. After I drew a breath, my son said, “Good talk mom.” And off we went onto something else.

Ah car time.

I woke up thinking more about our conversation this morning. I remembered another list I wrote to myself back in 2020. It dovetails so nicely with yesterday’s car convo. At the time I wrote my list, I felt like others were using my favorite people as easy punching bags for the world’s problems. I have tweaked it a bit to remove the snarky side commentary that made me feel better for about five seconds, and instead focused more on the how I choose to lead my life.

I don’t think I’m spilling any state secrets and it would be silly to pretend to be something I am not. I am a white woman of comparative wealth and privilege married to a white man of comparative wealth and privilege, raising two white sons in comparative wealth and privilege. I do not need to defend my life, however, I am happy to share my basic principles.

1. I firmly believe that to whom much is given, much is required. My husband and I teach our boys that whatever gifts and talents you have been given, you must develop them and share them, use them for good, and above all, do not squander them.
2. Don’t ever be sorry or ashamed of inherited wealth (or opportunity, or privilege). You received it from those who paved a way for you. This world is cynical and bitter and envious, but not everyone who ever made money made it dishonestly or abusively on the backs of others. If you can use an inheritence to further your dreams, or your education, or your life’s purpose then do it. However, you must put in the work yourself. Live life on your own terms with your own means. Be mindful of your finances and learn how to use them for higher purposes. Educate your children. Give to your church. Advance a cause. How can you best support an organization or project you believe in? How do you take care of people that work for you, or with you, or around you? How do you take care of your neighbors—quietly? People like a cheerful giver, but they also prefer not to know that it’s you.
3. How do you learn to build bridges with people who don’t live like you, act like you, look like you, think like you? Trust and time, one person at a time is the only way. It takes experience. It takes vulnerability. It takes saying I don’t know, or I don’t understand. It is very easy to fall into rich white (American, first world) guilt and react from that place. Don’t. Nobody will believe your sincerity. Learn! Ask! Be uncomfortable!
4. To my precious sons, it’s ok to be white. It’s ok to be male. It’s ok to be straight. You cannot change any of those factors, so you do you. It’s also important to remember who wrote the rules. If societal rules need to be changed (and they do), how do you change the rules in ways that make life better for everyone? It’s not always about color. There are economic and political power plays that must also be dealt with. Let’s not forget women. I am an equal partner in this house, but outside of it I have fought many a battle even as a privileged, educated, white woman. I would also remind the world, whatever our collective path forward, we will not bring it about by trashing white straight men for being white or straight or male.
5. My job as the wife and mother is one of persuasion and reminder. I often find myself saying, “in this house….” I have been known to stop the car yelling, “white privilege”, or “entitled behavior” or “elitist prep school bullshit”, or my sons’ favorites “amygdala!” and “prefrontal cortex!” The men in my life give me the side eye when they hear me, but my point is made and received. It serves no purpose to vilify good men, but a little humor and a serious conversation about the experiences of people who are not straight, white men goes a long way.
6. Never, ever, ever treat someone as less than. And never allow yourself to feel “less than”. This concept goes beyond the Golden Rule. Almost every problem in the entire world can find its root cause in “less than” thinking and feeling. This power play, designed by evil, must be eradicated if we want the Golden Rule to work.
7. Love, love, and love again. Everyone. Every time. Make no apologies for loving your neighbor and make no apologies for loving yourself.

Keep loving people and get rid of the less than in your life my darlings. Do I always get it right? No. I think it is a grave mistake for my children to think I am infallible. I admit when I am wrong. Do I like being uncomfortable? No. I do not. But I have made awkward an art form. Do I succumb to the power of less than? Sometimes I allow someone else to influence my feelings and responses—and sometimes I am the affector. I am not perfect. I am human and a product of my life experiences. Does that mean I can’t make changes and do better? Of course not! I can, I do, and I keep trying. All I can do is live my life in a responsible way that honors the you in me and the me in you.

Love Y’all, Marla

P.S. Relish car time with your family. Car time is an amazing opportunity to offer and receive love—tough love, easy love, and just be with me love. M