Last week our minister asked me to read the scripture for today (Sunday). I was honest with him and told him I would feel like a complete fraud as this particular commandment is a daily struggle. Our lesson comes from Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:1-4. I wrestled all week with these verses, not because I didn’t know them, and not because I have not followed them, but because, as an adult, I do not feel I successfully live out Deuteronomy 5:16.

Interestingly enough, I remember memorizing Ephesians 6:1 in kindergarten. “Children obey your parents.” I was (and still am) the quintessential eldest daughter. My husband sent me a meme this morning actually:

Why am I not surprised that we never learned Ephesians 6:4 in kindergarten? “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” You could also substitute or add “and mothers”. After all, if we are to honor both, should they not both be held accountable? The intent of this verse probably was not an invitation for obedience to become a two way street between parent and child. However, if I have learned anything about raising adolescents, provoking, angering, demanding, and frustrating your teenager will backfire every single time. If yelling “do what I say, not what I model as your parent” isn’t an example of the dark side of God’s humor, well, I don’t know what is.

I am not a perfect parent. I was not a perfect child. I learned to be a good enough parent. I never learned how to be a good enough child. I am haunted by my own adolescence. The blind obedience, desire for approval, and belief that love could only come from being perfect nearly killed me—more than once. I have stared those demons down every day of my adult life. Mistakes are learning opportunities. Failure builds resilience. Blind obedience is dangerous. One’s character is about truth not perfection.

Thus my struggle with Deuteronomy 5:16. “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” The first time I discovered that my parents were fallible was in fourth grade. They had to tell me the truth about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I didn’t believe my parents could lie. It was a heavy blow. I was a true believer in magic and fairy tales. I thought happily ever after was real and it would rightly come to me. (I got my happily ever after, but that’s a tale for another day.)

I can count in one hand the number of times I was truly disobedient from the time I was twelve or so. Self-flagellation was very much alive in spirit though not in physical action. Somehow I survived middle school. High school was a daily recitation of “college is coming, hang on and don’t be stupid.”

When I arrived at college it did not take long for those inflexible “perfect child” restraints to snap. I am fortunate that I had a support system to replace those crumbling guardrails. I credit the interested, present, and understanding adults on and off campus in my life for being there for me.

My parents divorced my junior year. The fifth Commandment and I have been on limited speaking terms ever since. The divorce itself I have come to terms with. The subsequent life paths of my father and mother are not my business. They are who they are and our relationships are what they are.

I have struggled with the idea of honoring my parents all of my adult life. This must certainly be a moral failing on my part. It certainly does not fit the mold of eldest daughter. Duty? Check. Accept them as your parents? Check. Honor them? As a dear friend of mine says about questions he doesn’t wish to answer, “do you want the real answer or the funny answer?”

So there you have it folks. The unvarnished truth. The imperfection. The sin. I have always been honest with my own children. I have acknowledged the failure to model Deuteronomy and Ephesians in the expected manner and done my best to explain why. I can only hope that my attempts to do the right thing are stronger than the less than stellar results my boys have sometimes witnessed and experienced.

Today’s sermon had many comforting moments. Honor looks like taking care of your elders. Check. Honor looks like accepting that a mother and a father gave you the gift of being. Check. Honor looks like doing your best to live a life with God at your center and above all others. Check. If this is what the honor of really Deuteronomy 5:16 means, then I can do it and so can you. These ideas do not bring me the peace of absolution and freedom I seek, but as Brian McLaren says, “We make the road by walking.”

I’m all out of honest reflection at the moment friends. I just want to be a good human. Humbly on the journey of life with you.

Love y’all so big,

Marla