Marla's Alphabet Soup

We are entering the season of Halloween costumes, Cyber Monday deals, and Christmas consumerism. Whenever my children get the “I wants”, the standing joke in our house is, “yeah and mom wants a million dollars and obedient children.” I may have said this a few thousand times in their short lives. Fighting an all consuming never ending ocean tide of entitlement and largess in their young lives has been a parenting mantra over the last two decades. Teaching obedience has been a trickier concept for me.

One of the the last time we argued about obedience, all wrapped up in my snark, I went to Amazon and searched for “obedient children”. I will show them! I can buy obedient children and get Prime shipping too! After all, you can buy anything on Amazon, right? The scariest thing happened to me when I hit search. A video about Hitler Youth was at the top of my search results. Holy Moly! I told my oldest son (the person with whom I argue most about obedience) about my search results and he said, “duh mom. That makes total sense.”  “Elaborate my young Padawan,” I asked and we had an interesting 45 second exchange which left me contemplating how best to mold and guide these now six-foot tall adolescents now that “make me” isn’t a viable option. 

It’s not really obedience I seek, is it? I really want rational thought and respect for others and impulse control. Obedience is one’s personal surrender to God in all things. Why would I want my boys to ever surrender their best judgment to anyone else’s unless in their own evaluation they determine someone else may know better?  When I say, “Because I said so” (sometimes, still a good answer), what I really mean is, “Because I made that mistake myself and it took a long time to undo so save yourself some drama and just believe me.” Alas this answer is no good either and not because it’s wordy, but because it’s selfish. Making mistakes is how we learn. 

The real test is finding the line between (a) what is truly dangerous when I truly need unquestioning follow-through and (b) please just make it easy on you and me because I don’t want to parent right now. “Don’t run in traffic” or “don’t go back in a burning building” are fairly straight-forward type A commands. The want of “just do it because I would really like a well mannered compliant child today to participate with love and harmony in this daily struggle we call a Family” is a justifiable (b) answer, but a (b) answer none the less. Honestly I live for the second option because the first option on a regular basis is super scary. I never want my children living in a fight or flight existence all the time. It doesn’t take the mountain of research that exists out there to tell me that living in either/or moments is terrifying and unhealthy for parent and child alike. However, compliance with my every command turns “warning, danger” into white noise.

It has taken me forever to figure this out. Most days I still forget. Most days my life, like the world, has a continually shifting line. Perfect example: Why is it important not to fight, but in the same breath, don’t give in to a bully? What kind of line is that? How many times have I said to one child, “don’t hit your brother” and to the other child, “you want to make him stop, hit him back.” Hellloooo mixed messages. Or “don’t call your brother stupid” and five minutes later, “son to be so smart that sure was stupid.” Both statements are true, and yet, how confusing for my children. I’ve got nothing for you dear readers except mea culpa. I’m parenting wrong almost all the time. Truly most days I’m just trying to keep us all alive and unmaimed and develop a few self-help skills along the way. 

Maybe that’s why humans have such a long adolescence? It takes a decade of rage-inducing obstinate defiance of all things to learn that obedience is tricky. What I really want my children to learn is how to carefully deliberate between what they need and what they would like to have–in their lives. My job isn’t to raise unquestioning obedience to me, it’s to inspire surrender to God and teach good judgment for all other things. I’ll never have a million dollars and obedient children and I think I’m eventually going to be okay with that. The next time I whip out “because I said so” and they say “that’s not a real answer” I’m going to try to remember to say, “so what’s a real answer?” That oughta fix them. 

Send me your one liners that inspire harmony and helpfulness. I’m fresh out. Love Y’all.

For the Love of the Game

I have been playing games since I can remember.  I think my love of games comes from my Daddy. Growing up, at the pool or at the lake, my dad would play endless rounds of “Best Die” with us. This game involves fake shooting us with a resounding “pow” and having us fall into the water dead. Style points were awarded and belly flops almost always won because they hurt so badly. We also played “Guess Songs” on the way to school every morning. My sister and I were often tardy because we were on our 6t of 7th tie breaker point in the car and neither of us would concede. Little did I know my dad was bastardizing old tv game shows and westerns in an attempt to entertain us!  We made any and everything a game.

We also played “real” games. I played Uno and Crazy 8 and Go Fish from the time I could match cards. I played Red Light, Green Light in the yard with my sister from the time I could run. As I grew up, we graduated to board games and gin rummy. Many a weekend night you would find my dad, my sister, and me playing lightning rounds of Monopoly (my dad’s version) while listening to “Solid Gold Saturday Night” on the radio. This was pre-cable you see, there was little else to do. Ha!

I also had (and still have) a fierce temper and I hated to lose. I never played athletic team sports, but I challenge you to find someone more competitive than me.  My ugly streak did not emerge until I learned to play the Parker Brother’s card game, Rook. I loved to play Rook. I was (and still am) a very good Rook player. I once lost my temper so badly at my partner in a Rook game, I said some very ugly things and we did not speak for a while. It was a hard lesson in sportsmanship and keeping my temper.

As I emerged from adolescence, I discovered that I did not like the person I was when I played games. I stopped playing cards and almost all games after that for a long time. I did not want my friends or boyfriends (or future husband) to see that ugly must win side of me. Belatedly I discovered that my competitiveness could not be hidden. My friends would laugh if I tried to downplay it. Apparently my feistiness was not quite the damaging trait I thought it was. I did eventually gain control of my temper. Eventually, the need to win faded as the need to be in community with others took root.

As a therapist, mom, and teacher, I use games almost daily. Games require rules and structure. Following the rules of a game are necessary to play. The idea of game rules helps children transition to the different layers of rules for social situations by providing the scaffolding needed for successful navigation. I have rarely held a speech therapy session for any age group that did not include a game. I play Candyland like a boss in preschool therapy. Bingo with elementary kids is my jam. Apples to Apples and Would You Rather are staples in my middle-high repertoire. For years I have emailed parents at the start of every summer with my favorite lists of prop-free games and activities to play with their children with a gentle reminder that play is a child’s work.

I started teaching our boys to play games from the time they could walk and talk. I taught many academic lessons through games with them and even persuaded them to do household chores by seeing who could do things faster, or neater, or completely. Playing games also kept them off of the dreaded “devices”. It turns out, loving games also includes video games and my sons are both gamers. Serious gamers. I however, hate video games, so I will stop here.

Board games in some ways are equalizers in our family and provide an activity we can all do together. One of my sons is not athletically minded. He is however, highly creative and sees the world uniquely, which gives him an edge in games like Pictionary and Clue. One of my sons lives life with an intensity matched only by his vocabulary and memory skills which gives him an uncanny ability to win games like Scattergories and Scrabble. My husband also loves games. He and I play gin rummy and Scrabble. We also taught our boys to play Rook. Many a night you will find the four of us in the living room in front of a muted sports game playing Rook. Someone always has to sit facing away from the TV (usually me). In the summer at the lake, we all watch Jeopardy while we eat dinner and then play Rook or Yahtzee or Scattergories on the porch until the bugs run us in or the wine runs out. 

So, if I ever invite you over for a Game Night, I hope you will come. I’ll even learn a new game. I promise to keep my temper and I’ll even provide the snacks. These days I am still competitive, but my love for the game outweighs my need to win. Come play with me!

Love Y’all, Marla

A year ago today our family was in Yellowstone National Park for Fall Break 2022. The last time I was in Yellowstone I was 15! This time I was in Yellowstone with my 15 year old (and his older brother). Ah, time comes full circle.

My husband has an uncanny sense of timing. We always manage to go at the best time with the least amount of foot traffic but best time for the sites. We had to get creative with food and lodging as the park was in its seasonal last gasp. Challenge accepted. The boys are older now, so some beef jerky, a hershey bar, and a bottle of water go a long way to filling in the gaps.

We saw all the big sites—Old Faithful, Paint Pots, Yellowstone Lake, the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. The buffalo were accomodating and posed for pictures. We hiked so much my wonky hip flared up. I finally threw in the towel on our last hike and skipped the hill climb. My sons climbed every rock, jumped every creek, and generally tried to make me crazy with worry. This wildness is calculated and par for the course. It is an endurance test between their prefrontal cortex and my amygdala.

We also enjoyed some time in Bozeman, Montana checking out the downtown. I did not see any movie stars. There was no gunslinging or swashbuckling. I guess they save that for Paramount+. The food was excellent and the shopping was fun.

The best part of any Fall break whether I am home or traveling or camped out after hours in a car rental terminal, is being with my family. We play made up trivia games, tell stories, fight, frustrate each other, ignore each other, hide out in plain site on our phones, and hug on each other. I am so grateful for our time together and memories made.

Y’all, we love National Parks. Fall break, Winter break, Summer break—we go to a National Park. Some people visit all 50 states; we’re making inroads on national parks. My darling husband, affectionately known as The Camp Counselor by so many friends and family alike, always plans the best trips for us. Truly, he is gifted at vacation planning. This Fall break is no exception.

We were thrilled to discover that our sons had the same break this fall. With one away in college halfway across the country and one in high school, we did not know what to expect this year. Luckily for us the stars aligned, so we hopped on a plane, met our oldest halfway, and all flew into Fresno together for a quick weekend in Yosemite.

Driving in late last night, I was delighted to discover our accomodations, The Tenaya Resort at Fish Camp, is frankly perfect for us. Tiny house meets cabin in the woods with free wifi, take away breakfast, and separate bedrooms. Smashing! Tenaya isn’t paying me (yet—haha), but I love it here.

Today we took in the sights of El Capitan, Half Dome, Bridal Veil Falls, and the Tunnel View. We hiked to lower Yosemite Falls, Vernal Falls, and Mirror Lake. I love easy hikes—parts were a bit harder than I anticipated, but very doable and so beautiful. Everyone but me is ready to watch Free Solo again.

I am now relaxing in a red adirondack chair (Godwink to Baylor Red) with a lovely California cabernet sav on our tiny front porch. Tomorrow we explore Mariposa Grove and Glacier Point. I can’t wait!

A quick weekend with my favorite people in the world. We weren’t sure if we could even come with the potential government shutdown. I am so glad we made it!

I think eventually I will add a page to this blog with a spotlight on all of our NP adventures. We’ve had so many good times. And we have the authentic official NP posters framed and hanging on our walls at home to prove it! Until next time friends, wear good socks and don’t feed the bears!

Love Y’all, Marla

Back when my youngest child still napped, I blogged, mostly about my children. I wrote a post about how much I loved the library and taking my children to the library. My youngest child called the library the “lifebrary”. I thought he was brilliant! Libraries are “lifebraries.” I am greatly disturbed by the number of articles and posts and social media status updates telling me about how the school library and librarians are repurposed for any number of reasons. It makes me sad. Libraries can of course be used in a multitude of ways, but they should still be libraries–places of quiet learning about life. Enjoy this updated version of “The Lifebrary” I wrote in 2010.

My three year old son and I have been visiting the library lately. He is enthralled with the library. He likes going up the big staircase to the children’s floor. It’s alot dark and a little spooky! The child-sized computers with colored keyboards link him to some very fun games. He likes finding new Curious George books to check out. We explore the dated displays in the glass cases. He likes climbing on the step stools in the adult section and jumping off of them. He likes taking the hard back books off the shelves he can reach just for fun. I don’t know if I’m raising a reader or just a curious tornado of energy.

My favorite thing about the library is that he calls it, the “lifebrary”. I cannot get him to say library. However, upon reflection, I think the “lifebrary” is quite appropriate. I’ve been going to the library all my life.

I remember with great nostalgia all the wonderful opportunities I had at the Asheboro/Randolph County Public Library growing up. My mother and sister and I went to the library once a week checking out seven books at a time (the maximum), one for each day. The children’s section was well stocked. The Randolph Room held interesting facts that I used for my fourth grade N.C. History project. I spent two years on the Battle of the Books team reading Newberry Medal Winners and participating in a quiz bowl type program. I spent many hours learning to research at the public library back before computers when the magazines had to be checked out and the card catalog was more than a dusty row of boxed cards. How many 3×5 index cards did I go through researching information on great American and British authors for my research papers in middle and high school?

Later in my college life, the library became even more than a pit stop for books. I spent many hours copying reserve reading to take elsewhere to read (ditto for graduate school). I spent many nights trolling the study carols for a cute guy from my political science class to ask a stupid yet relevant question in the hopes he might talk to me for five minutes. I learned how to use the Internet. One summer, I even walked to the Georgetown University library from my sublet on Q street every afternoon to check my email because I didn’t have a computer. It’s amazing how many significant (and literary) opportunities I have had at the library.

Even after college, the library remained a significant part of my life. I spent many Sunday afternoons and rainy days at the main library in Memphis (back when it was right off of Union behind the Walgreens before moving to its new and beautiful location on Poplar in East Memphis). Then when we moved to Iowa City, one of the first things I did was visit the library and get my library card. I spent many many mornings and afternoons and evenings rolling my older son in the stroller up and down the aisles of popular adult fiction and seven day check out looking for something to read. So, of course, when we settled in Chattanooga, I went to the library and got my library card right away.

My boys love Barnes and Noble and Books a Million. So do I. We spend quite a bit of time there. After all they have a train table, new releases that don’t require a hold or a long wait time, and a bakery. But the feeling just isn’t the same. The library is an exercise in patience–waiting on that new release or popular author makes the book that much better. If you don’t like a book, you don’t feel disappointed that you paid $27.95 for it. In fact, these days I go online and look up all the new releases and make myself a list. Then I go shopping–at the library. When they don’t have it “in-stock” I ask to be put on the waiting list.

The library is also an exercise in cherishing and taking care of intellectual property that doesn’t belong to us. You start simple, “This isn’t our book, you can’t draw on the faces with purple crayon.” Then you graduate to, “Turn in the book on time or you have to pay a fine (Even though it’s only 25 cents a day, it adds up, believe me, I’ve been late often).” Learning to reference and cite works in your papers correctly is not only required for the assignment, it’s the right thing to do. Finding the actual source of quoted information instead of quoting a quote is challenging and also good practice in checking your sources.

So thanks little Wyatt for your innocent insight into a wonderful tradition. The public library really is a “lifebrary”. I love sharing this special experience with you. I hope that our libraries never become obsolete. It would be a real shame to let such a unique institution become extinct. Next time you’re downtown, hug your librarian and go check out life at the “lifebrary”!

• Last night I finished John Boyne’s “All the Broken Places”. Novels that introduce dilemma keep me thinking long after I have finished the last page. I found this story a beautiful commentary on the brokenness of the human condition. None of us know what we would do in any given situation until it happens to us.
• I’ve recently begun “The God of Small Things” by Arundhati Roy. I chose to read it because my son read it for his honors book club in high school last year. It’s slow going just now, but I know I’m going to like it.

P.S. I also love a good mystery novel. There is nothing like a good mystery and a glass of red wine in front of a crackling fire.