Marla's Alphabet Soup

While traveling in the car, my college son was sharing with me about his philosophy class. Recently, the professor asked some questions that sparked a spirited classroom conversation. A fellow student said to my son, “don’t you feel bad that you were born into all your wealth and privilege?” My son, who has never backed away from an argument in his life told me, “I answered with, no, I don’t feel bad. I won the cosmic lottery and I know it, but I didn’t ask to be born.” He shared a bit more of the conversation with me and I, as I always do, shared my thoughts with him. After I drew a breath, my son said, “Good talk mom.” And off we went onto something else.

Ah car time.

I woke up thinking more about our conversation this morning. I remembered another list I wrote to myself back in 2020. It dovetails so nicely with yesterday’s car convo. At the time I wrote my list, I felt like others were using my favorite people as easy punching bags for the world’s problems. I have tweaked it a bit to remove the snarky side commentary that made me feel better for about five seconds, and instead focused more on the how I choose to lead my life.

I don’t think I’m spilling any state secrets and it would be silly to pretend to be something I am not. I am a white woman of comparative wealth and privilege married to a white man of comparative wealth and privilege, raising two white sons in comparative wealth and privilege. I do not need to defend my life, however, I am happy to share my basic principles.

1. I firmly believe that to whom much is given, much is required. My husband and I teach our boys that whatever gifts and talents you have been given, you must develop them and share them, use them for good, and above all, do not squander them.
2. Don’t ever be sorry or ashamed of inherited wealth (or opportunity, or privilege). You received it from those who paved a way for you. This world is cynical and bitter and envious, but not everyone who ever made money made it dishonestly or abusively on the backs of others. If you can use an inheritence to further your dreams, or your education, or your life’s purpose then do it. However, you must put in the work yourself. Live life on your own terms with your own means. Be mindful of your finances and learn how to use them for higher purposes. Educate your children. Give to your church. Advance a cause. How can you best support an organization or project you believe in? How do you take care of people that work for you, or with you, or around you? How do you take care of your neighbors—quietly? People like a cheerful giver, but they also prefer not to know that it’s you.
3. How do you learn to build bridges with people who don’t live like you, act like you, look like you, think like you? Trust and time, one person at a time is the only way. It takes experience. It takes vulnerability. It takes saying I don’t know, or I don’t understand. It is very easy to fall into rich white (American, first world) guilt and react from that place. Don’t. Nobody will believe your sincerity. Learn! Ask! Be uncomfortable!
4. To my precious sons, it’s ok to be white. It’s ok to be male. It’s ok to be straight. You cannot change any of those factors, so you do you. It’s also important to remember who wrote the rules. If societal rules need to be changed (and they do), how do you change the rules in ways that make life better for everyone? It’s not always about color. There are economic and political power plays that must also be dealt with. Let’s not forget women. I am an equal partner in this house, but outside of it I have fought many a battle even as a privileged, educated, white woman. I would also remind the world, whatever our collective path forward, we will not bring it about by trashing white straight men for being white or straight or male.
5. My job as the wife and mother is one of persuasion and reminder. I often find myself saying, “in this house….” I have been known to stop the car yelling, “white privilege”, or “entitled behavior” or “elitist prep school bullshit”, or my sons’ favorites “amygdala!” and “prefrontal cortex!” The men in my life give me the side eye when they hear me, but my point is made and received. It serves no purpose to vilify good men, but a little humor and a serious conversation about the experiences of people who are not straight, white men goes a long way.
6. Never, ever, ever treat someone as less than. And never allow yourself to feel “less than”. This concept goes beyond the Golden Rule. Almost every problem in the entire world can find its root cause in “less than” thinking and feeling. This power play, designed by evil, must be eradicated if we want the Golden Rule to work.
7. Love, love, and love again. Everyone. Every time. Make no apologies for loving your neighbor and make no apologies for loving yourself.

Keep loving people and get rid of the less than in your life my darlings. Do I always get it right? No. I think it is a grave mistake for my children to think I am infallible. I admit when I am wrong. Do I like being uncomfortable? No. I do not. But I have made awkward an art form. Do I succumb to the power of less than? Sometimes I allow someone else to influence my feelings and responses—and sometimes I am the affector. I am not perfect. I am human and a product of my life experiences. Does that mean I can’t make changes and do better? Of course not! I can, I do, and I keep trying. All I can do is live my life in a responsible way that honors the you in me and the me in you.

Love Y’all, Marla

P.S. Relish car time with your family. Car time is an amazing opportunity to offer and receive love—tough love, easy love, and just be with me love. M

I’ve been sick for over two weeks now. I can’t seem to shake whatever has its claws in me. I will have a day I feel better and well enough to go out and do, but the next day I’m in bed and throwing up if I eat anything or move too fast or do too much. I can’t stop coughing and the amount of mucus in my body is really too nasty to comment on.

I’m really hoping I can shake it off this week while I am home. I really really really hope I don’t give it to my son who just flew home from college for Thanksgiving week, or my inlaws, or my mother who lives in a facility with a multitude of seniors in compromised health situations. I will be crushed if we have to cancel Thanksgiving. I’m hosting and I’m so excited.

In true fashion I made a list of things to be grateful for, to guard against self-pity and direct my energy into making smart decisions and getting well and sharing joy.

1. I know what it feels like to feel well and I have no reason to believe I can’t feel that way again. My body is well enough to fight this nasty bug.

2. My son is home safely from college and appears happy to be here.

3. I can afford to buy a house full of groceries for the two teenaged boys who will be home all day all week this week!

4. The running water is clean.

5. The heat works.

6. The electricity is on.

7. The cars run and have gasoline.

8. We are loved. By each other. By our families and friends. By our Creator.

I discovered Henri Nowen about fifteen years ago. I follow the Henri Nowen Society on Instagram for inspiration and reminders to be a good human. He was a challenging figure and not afraid to call us out, while simultaneously reminding us of the never-ending love and mercy we have been gifted by God to accept and also extend to others.

I leave you with his truth telling for your weekend wondering…

I’m grateful for you friends. Love Y’all So Big. Marla

Tuesday was election day for part of the country. My county had no seats up for election locally, for state, nor for national office, so no election bruhaha around here. We have 362 days until the 2024 general election.

I do tend to “wax philisophical” about elections. Certainly there are serious and pragmatic reasons to be concrete about voting choices, but I tend wonder about what could be as if I were still in my college political theory class.

What if: Congress looked more like our actual national population makeup?

• There are currently 128 women in the House of Representatives (@29%) and 25 Senators (26%) per the Pew Research Center. Women are 51% of the current population (datareportal.com).
• According to the latest statistics from usafacts.org, a record 62 members of Congress are Black. The House of Representatives is actually representative of the country’s percentage of African-Americans, roughly 12%! The Senate, only 3%.
• According to the latest CRS report from congress.gov, Hispanic/Latino Americans the representation is 9.6% in Congress (45 House reps, 6 Senators). The current Hispanic population of the US is 19%.
• Asian Americans make up 7% (per Pew Research Center) of the population. The diversity of this group is by far the most complicated in my opinion. Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander is a mouthful and I would be curious to know how these folks feel about being lumped together for demographic purposes? There are 19 representatives in the house and 2 in the senate.
• Native Americans make up 2.6% of the population and have 1% representation in Congress (5 members).

While these statistics don’t inspire me to throw a party, I believe we are making progress towards a more perfect union. All total, 25% of the Congressional membership does not identify as White. These numbers are higher than any other time in history. With 41% of the American population identifying as non-White, the numbers are not balanced, but the gap is closing. Currently, 59% of the American population that is White-non Hispanic has 75% of the representation in Congress. So, yes, we still have quite a bit of progress to make.

There are a multitude of population groups and complicated ethnic identities in the United States. The number of Native American and Native Alaskan tribes alone boggle the mind. And why do we pool all of Asia together? Do you realize how many countries are actually part of Asia? There are also regional distinctions in America—rural, urban, suburban, New England, the South, the Rustbelt, the Flyover States, the West Coast, to name some but not all. And then we have political party affiliations. These affiliations are related, but separate from our contiuum of liberal and conservative and everthing in between and on the wings. I could go on, but you see my point.

While there are many noble and good reasons why people have identity preferences and often vote in blocs, I feel like we sometimes forget the two most important things about US citizenship. One, we are all Americans. Pick your descriptor plus hyphen; we are all American. Two, we need to elect the person who we feel in our hearts will best represent US (U.S. = us, see how I did that?).

For many of us, our political efficacy has taken a beating in recent years. For others of us, we believe we never had any political efficacy in the first place. We cannot continue to allow this to happen. Everyone’s voice matters. Period. Sometimes our choice doesn’t win. Sometimes we lose–and we lose big! But how many times do we keep trying? As many times as it takes to be heard.

We cannot lose hope in the uniquely American belief that democracy wins. We have to exercise our citizenship and pay attention. We must listen (not yell, or scream, or interrupt or denigrate) and then choose and then compromise.

So now the what if question becomes: Do I want to vote for someone who will make the best decisions for the country? Or, Do I want to vote for someone who will make the best decision for me?

These questions are not the same. I don’t have the answers dear America. I promise I don’t. I have 362 days to figure it out for myself. However, I am secure in the knowledge that if I don’t make the choice I thought I did, I have a chance to begin the reversal 750 days later at the midterm.

So come on over America. We can sit around the proverbial fire and listen and share and think and agree to do something, anything, as long as it is comes from mutual respect. We don’t have to hold hands and fall in love. We can disagree and walk away and take a few laps–as long as we come back. The uncommonly beautiful thing about America is we have a chance to continually adjust the pendulum. Let’s go America. It’s 362 days and counting. Let’s engage for real.

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P.S. I did not address the candidate choices for public office, or campaign finance reform, or term limits. These are separate and yet equally important issues to write about in the next chapter. Wink, wink.

Love y’all Marla

From Summer 2021

Andy and I had a lovely vacation in Cabo. I didn’t know we were invited to Sean Payton’s destination wedding this week! Andy loves to surprise me.

I was relaxing poolside beside a very nice couple, Avery and Cassandra Johnson, commiserating about online school. Andy kept kicking me and I started to get annoyed. Am I talking too much? That’s usually why he kicks me.

Soon another man and his gorgeous wife stopped by to say hi to the Johnsons. I thought, wow, how cool to run into somebody you know on vacation. It was Eric Musselman and Danyelle Sargent. I had know idea who she was when I complimented her swimsuit. She was really nice about it.

Then I overheard another couple who I now know are the Irelands talking about NC. Of course I just walked right over and introduced myself and we chatted about North Carolina lake cabins. Andy, foaming at the mouth over my complete lack of situational awareness, finally said, “are you ready? We have to go.”

Looking at my watch, I said, “why?”

He just shook his head. “Marla you have no idea who all these people are.” He surreptitiously opens Twitter and Instagram on his phone to show me.

“Oh.” I said. “So, big deal?”

He just rolled his eyes. “The wedding Marla, the wedding.”

“Whose wedding?” I asked. “That Sean Payton guy? Is he a coach too?” (If you know me at all, you know I said that because I am just that damn ridiculous.)

I picked up my Kindle and went back to reading. Andy went to the bar.

Then Kenny Chesney showed up and I almost died. No Instagram needed. I didn’t get to talk to him though. He’s taller than I thought. And his girlfriend is stunning. As we walked by him at the bar, Andy sneakily snapped a pic on his phone for me.

The fireworks show for the Paytons’ wedding was fun to watch from our porch later that evening. Turns out we weren’t invited to the wedding after all. I guess I talk too much.

We are entering the season of Halloween costumes, Cyber Monday deals, and Christmas consumerism. Whenever my children get the “I wants”, the standing joke in our house is, “yeah and mom wants a million dollars and obedient children.” I may have said this a few thousand times in their short lives. Fighting an all consuming never ending ocean tide of entitlement and largess in their young lives has been a parenting mantra over the last two decades. Teaching obedience has been a trickier concept for me.

One of the the last time we argued about obedience, all wrapped up in my snark, I went to Amazon and searched for “obedient children”. I will show them! I can buy obedient children and get Prime shipping too! After all, you can buy anything on Amazon, right? The scariest thing happened to me when I hit search. A video about Hitler Youth was at the top of my search results. Holy Moly! I told my oldest son (the person with whom I argue most about obedience) about my search results and he said, “duh mom. That makes total sense.”  “Elaborate my young Padawan,” I asked and we had an interesting 45 second exchange which left me contemplating how best to mold and guide these now six-foot tall adolescents now that “make me” isn’t a viable option. 

It’s not really obedience I seek, is it? I really want rational thought and respect for others and impulse control. Obedience is one’s personal surrender to God in all things. Why would I want my boys to ever surrender their best judgment to anyone else’s unless in their own evaluation they determine someone else may know better?  When I say, “Because I said so” (sometimes, still a good answer), what I really mean is, “Because I made that mistake myself and it took a long time to undo so save yourself some drama and just believe me.” Alas this answer is no good either and not because it’s wordy, but because it’s selfish. Making mistakes is how we learn. 

The real test is finding the line between (a) what is truly dangerous when I truly need unquestioning follow-through and (b) please just make it easy on you and me because I don’t want to parent right now. “Don’t run in traffic” or “don’t go back in a burning building” are fairly straight-forward type A commands. The want of “just do it because I would really like a well mannered compliant child today to participate with love and harmony in this daily struggle we call a Family” is a justifiable (b) answer, but a (b) answer none the less. Honestly I live for the second option because the first option on a regular basis is super scary. I never want my children living in a fight or flight existence all the time. It doesn’t take the mountain of research that exists out there to tell me that living in either/or moments is terrifying and unhealthy for parent and child alike. However, compliance with my every command turns “warning, danger” into white noise.

It has taken me forever to figure this out. Most days I still forget. Most days my life, like the world, has a continually shifting line. Perfect example: Why is it important not to fight, but in the same breath, don’t give in to a bully? What kind of line is that? How many times have I said to one child, “don’t hit your brother” and to the other child, “you want to make him stop, hit him back.” Hellloooo mixed messages. Or “don’t call your brother stupid” and five minutes later, “son to be so smart that sure was stupid.” Both statements are true, and yet, how confusing for my children. I’ve got nothing for you dear readers except mea culpa. I’m parenting wrong almost all the time. Truly most days I’m just trying to keep us all alive and unmaimed and develop a few self-help skills along the way. 

Maybe that’s why humans have such a long adolescence? It takes a decade of rage-inducing obstinate defiance of all things to learn that obedience is tricky. What I really want my children to learn is how to carefully deliberate between what they need and what they would like to have–in their lives. My job isn’t to raise unquestioning obedience to me, it’s to inspire surrender to God and teach good judgment for all other things. I’ll never have a million dollars and obedient children and I think I’m eventually going to be okay with that. The next time I whip out “because I said so” and they say “that’s not a real answer” I’m going to try to remember to say, “so what’s a real answer?” That oughta fix them. 

Send me your one liners that inspire harmony and helpfulness. I’m fresh out. Love Y’all.